Dear Rose

Hello Rose, you won't believe who I saw today. Claire. You remember Claire, right? Who am I kidding? Of course you'd remember her. I don't think someone who is capable of emptying half a bottle of hot scourging acid on another person's face can be forgotten easily. Ugh! Just writing about it gives me goosebumps.

You know, I always wondered how I would react if I ever saw her again. Would I yank her hair off its roots? Would I search for the nearest available rock and aim it at her face? I had envisioned the most cruel way possible to inflict pain on her just like she had done to me. But you know what Rose? The pent up rage dissolved the moment I set my eyes on her again. I took a scrutinizing look at her perfectly made up and unscathed face and feelings of shame enveloped me like the scarf that measly covered my face. I felt like a beast standing before a fairytale's beauty. I didn't pull her hair. No, I didn't even search for a rock to execute my heart's desires . All I could do in that point in time was ask the one question that had been plaguing my mind. "Why? "..."Why did you do it Claire? Why did you pour acid on my face? Why did you scar me? " I asked. As expected, she didn't answer, but that's not what disturbed me the most. Dear Rose, what disturbed me the most was the fact that I could see remorse etched in her eyes. Remorse only meant one thing -she was sorry for her actions- and I realized I didn't want her to be sorry. This was because I feared I might forgive her despite the pain she had caused me. Couldn't she had been un-remorseful so I could hold that over her? Forgiving her meant letting her go and I wasn't willing to do that. Did that make me a bad person, Rose? Was I terrible for wanting her to feel just a pinch of what I'd been through? Anyway back to my story. Just as I was about to walk away, she croaked what sounded like an apology. I could tell she was chocking back tears even though I wasn't facing her anymore. And you know what I did next? I laughed Rose, I laughed the longest I had in a very long time and you want to know why? There I was, standing a few meters away from someone I had been holding so much bitterness and anger against for months, and all she had to do was render an apology and move on with her life. She would move on and I would still be the one with an ugly face. I would still be the one sad, alone and miserable. I would still be the one wearing scarfs to cover my scars. I couldn't let her turn me into that person. No. I had decided right there and then to not be that person. Just because I looked like a beast on the outside didn't mean I had to be one on the inside.

As I walked away from Claire with her apology still unanswered, I knew I had not fully forgiven her but I was certain of one thing; I was on the path to forgiveness and love. Dear friend, pray for me. Pray that God gives me the grace.

Yours truly, Tina.